Final post – I hope

I started this blog as a way of working out my thoughts and feelings.  A way to reach out to others out there that may experience the same.  It was with the purpose that I could be completely anonymous and therefore completely open.  It helped me and the changes in my previous few posts have also helped.

I haven’t felt the need to post here so this will be my final post – if I ever feel the need to come back here then I shall.  Thank you readers for reading and therefore being with me on my journey.  Simply knowing that I did have people – even if they were strangers – out there helped enormously.

Today I am reducing the meds I have been on and looking forward to a more positive future.  I’m on the mend, on my way back and on my way up.  For those of you reading my blog and in crisis or desperation or both.  Please try and hang on, most of all seek help from professionals, be honest with yourself and those who can help you about how you feel and how the desolation is eating at you.

I hope you will survive the darkness as I have.  Mine was only situational rather than a continuing illness as many have that have suicidal thoughts.  My thoughts are with those who struggle against this dark, those who struggle through and those who’s struggle ended.

Love

R.M.

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Doing okay

I’ve heard about the 3rd party they won’t pursue anything but I’ve lost a lot of holiday pay.  It means I’ve been ripped off but to be honest I’ve never cared about money so sod it, I’m away from the bastards and good for me.

My sleep is slowly getting back to normal (well ish considering I’m a long-term insomniac).  I’ve avoided taking the sleeping pills for the last 5 or so days on purpose.  Sleep results have been varied but okay.  Within tolerance.

I feel almost stress free – of course I feel stressed a little about the future and it being uncertain but that’s okay.  It’s nothing compared to the last year.

I’ve been getting out a lot more and craving a bit of company more which must mean I’m doing better :) I’ll always have moments of wanting peace from people and not having anyone around me but it was becoming too much of a habit.

I’ve started working towards growing vegetables and fruit in my garden so fingers crossed next year I’ll have a few things to eat that I’ve grown myself.  I intend to schedule some time in over the next few days to do some of my hobbies.  I had a rest day yesterday as I had been cramming too much in for a couple of weeks so today is part rest and part be productive.  I noticed that I still fear making phone calls to organisations but I have to and will do.

I’ve had zero suicidal thoughts or even low mood for over a week.  I’m almost back to my happy-crappy* self.

R.M.

* in joke.

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Since my last post

Since my last post I have had a rather wonderful time hanging out with my best friend.
I have also gone through with resigning and life has started to be so much better. I don’t know if the work 3rd party company are going to pursue matters and that’s a bit worrying but I am doing okay.

I have had zero thoughts of killing myself since handing in my notice. I have been contacted my the mental service I referred myself to so have a telephone appointment on Friday.

I went to see a play and it was brilliant, but more than anything I felt alive again. My best friend put up with me delaying leaving, she knew I needed to let loose even if I didn’t until afterwards. It did me the world of good. I haven’t been so like me since about 2007.
I have decided I need to get out and dance so that’s going to be my next target. I need some wild fun with random insanity, just like the old days. Oh not to irresponsible levels just a bit mischievous.

Life is so bright right now and all it took was quitting my job that I have been unable to do for 2 years. Now I have to hope I can manage to either get benefit or make a career for myself working from home. Which is becoming my future goal.
Another post written on the phone app means I will edit the mistakes and tags tomorrow.
Sleep and dream of adventure.

R.M.

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Changes

The below song has always spoken to me.  I still don’t know why but it signals solution to me.  A  moment where we realise that things are going to be better.  Perhaps a personal connection rather than a relation to the lyrics or their meaning.

I have written a letter of resignation – tomorrow morning I will send it off.  I am tempted to send it off now but am trying to wait.  It’s such a relief.  I hadn’t realised how heavy all the stress and the hassle had been weighing on me.  I knew it was doing me harm and knew it was triggering massively the downward spirals.  Now perhaps I can concentrate on getting well again.  Move towards working part time even or from home – something.

Tomorrow I need to make sure I phone my G.P. and get an appointment and discuss it with her.  I also will need to write to the benefits people to inform them of a change of circumstances and indeed the tax people.

I fell into a pit of despair again earlier when I was trying to cope with all the B.S. and I couldn’t handle it.  I barely held on.  It scared the shit out of me.  I was able to reason just.  I very nearly phoned a taxi and went to A&E and begged for them to look after me.  I tried one friend who I know spends a fair bit of time with their Facebook window open and already knew lots about the situation and talking to them saved my life – and I’m not kidding.

When I muddled back up to sensible I started taking action.  Finished cancelling my direct debits that aren’t essential and similar.  Need to ensure I cancel my comics tomorrow – they are a luxury item after all :D  But it’s a sacrifice that will be worth it.

As I hit the levelling boundary my best mate text me back – she’d actually been out and enjoying herself so hadn’t seen my text lol – bet she felt guilty but relieved I was okay.  Always wants to look after and out for me that girl but that’s what best friends are for and she is the best girl in the world.  Chatting to her via text always helps the lingering bah go away.  It refocuses the mind to something else rather than what ifs or but this could have happeneds.   She visits for a long weekend tomorrow and I am excited about that.

I was worrying about being in a dark place when she visited but hell if I need to go to A&E then I know she’ll pop the postcode in the satnav and say cool I love visiting hospitals and off we’ll go.  Whilst she is here I know that I will have to handle a few things around this but I also know that she’ll be waiting to take me somewhere fun or prod me and say “eat something, now” and many other little things that make me love her.

Sorry my blog is supposed to be about my suicidal urges rather than my love for my best girl but what the hell – it’s her on my mind right now and a smile on my face.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame?
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinatin’
Ah, changes are takin’
The pace I’m goin’ through

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Still reeling but am okay.

Today I feel paranoid.  It’s yesterdays meeting followed by only 4 hours sleep.  I wrote a 5 page letter then passed it to a friend to read through for me.  I know how upset I am about the whole experience so want to make sure the tone is right.  I won’t stand for being treated in such a way but neither will I do a bull in the china shop routine.

It’s been a weird day for food.  Not wanted any but have eaten eventually.  I had a call from the self-services group that I was with at the start of the year telling me how to register with them again and giving me a couple of phone numbers.  I’d emailed them the other day thinking nothing ventured nothing gained.  So in a moment I’m going to go do that.  I know I need some kind of help, I don’t know what will work but I’ll take whatever I can right now.  The nice lady mentioned that the waiting list is 4 weeks long at the moment – I’ve waited this long I can wait longer if needs be.  Also I do have several plans for what to do if I need to seek help at any time of the day or night.

They also told me about a local place that is open from 11pm till 9am where I can get help if I need it at night.  It’s slightly closer than A&E and they may be able to do phone support if I’m having a bad mobility day.  I have the phone number and know where it is – I can hope I don’t need it but perhaps next time I can’t sleep I can go pay them a visit.  There will be people there and perhaps just chatting to one of the support workers will help.

I also need to cancel the none urgent direct debits.  Debt repayment ones that I won’t be paying until I have regular money again.  Too many times where I’ve been overpaid, well rent, bills, food, debts, everything else in that order and at the moment I don’t even have enough to cover rent – fingers crossed I do get some money this month.  I have enough savings to perhaps last a month and a bit maybe 2 months if needed so at least I’ll be okay for a little while.  Then I might have to ask my friends for help.

Had a day out with a friend today, was good just to get out and about.  Best friend comes for a visit on Friday so that’s going to be awesome!  Tomorrow I will have to take a look at my to-do list.  I have things that I need to do.  Including from yesterdays meeting.  Also need to get a GP appointment.  Have taken a sleeping pill already – need to sleep tonight and for more than 4 hours.

I got asked today how I can be so cheerful when I have had only 4 hours sleep.  My answer was years of experience.  It’s true and it made me giggle.  This was from a person I don’t hide much of my depression from.  Oh I try not to be miserable around them but they know I’ve had all kinds of issues.

Anyway time to settle for the night.  Sweet dreams all.

R.M. xx

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So…

Don’t want to talk too much about it but basically meeting with work representatives today didn’t go well they believe that I am swinging the lead and that I’ve been untruthful.  I never meant to be but they seemed very twisty and turny today-insisting I give a number to a question when I say I don’t know and then saying I must then later saying my guess they forced me to make is wrong.  So anyone know a lawyer who works for free in the U.K. I’d be grateful.

Looks like soon I won’t have any money coming in.  I don’t know what I’ll do for paying rent etc but I will work something out.  My! It’s stupid in this country if you can’t work.  I intend to write a letter about today because I don’t feel like he took my replies as what I firmly believed in one instance he actually practically accused me of making stuff up as it was convenient – honestly I have nothing to lose, there is more sense in me being honest about this stuff.  No warning of the questions they were going to ask so I was completely unprepared and frankly didn’t have any of the facts with me.  A letter may help explain that.

The guy didn’t seem to grasp that I actually miss working and that’s one of the reasons why my mood has plummeted. They are using a Twitter account I created and posted too randomly with idealistic thoughts – my own fault I guess but they are also twisting the posts to suit their needs.  4 hours he was here for and still hadn’t finished.  I was exhausted.

My mood plummeted of course but I’ve only be passively thinking of death.  Seems such a stupid sentence that but hopefully you will understand what I mean.

I’m hoping something will work out, somehow.  I have lots of help and I’ve asked for it.  Best friend is finding some information out for me tomorrow which may help get me some proper official help rather than relying on just the presence of a friend.

I’ve typed up a letter to the benefits people explaining that I really didn’t know and made a mistake so perhaps that is one avenue that I can sort out before it goes too far.  Damn my brain and it’s flights of fancy.  Guess it’s time to look up where the nearest food bank is :(

Going to definitely take a sleeping pill tonight or there will be no sleeping for me.  May phone GP tomorrow go in and speak to her.  Don’t know if she can do anything but hey might be worth a shot.

R.M. x

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Another day

It’s been a good one too. Been able find enough oomph to sort a couple of things out that I’ve been procrastinating about. Also managed to take it easy.

Tomorrow promises to be an amazing day. I get to go see Neil Gaiman talking about “Fortunately, the Milk”. I know it’s a kids book and I am an adult blah blah. Didn’t I tell you dear readers on a previous post, I am still a child at heart ;-)

Again posting from my phone so will edit for errors and add tags tomorrow.
Whatever the weekend brings for you, I hope it brings good things.
R.M. xx

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