The below song has always spoken to me. I still don’t know why but it signals solution to me. A moment where we realise that things are going to be better. Perhaps a personal connection rather than a relation to the lyrics or their meaning.
I have written a letter of resignation – tomorrow morning I will send it off. I am tempted to send it off now but am trying to wait. It’s such a relief. I hadn’t realised how heavy all the stress and the hassle had been weighing on me. I knew it was doing me harm and knew it was triggering massively the downward spirals. Now perhaps I can concentrate on getting well again. Move towards working part time even or from home – something.
Tomorrow I need to make sure I phone my G.P. and get an appointment and discuss it with her. I also will need to write to the benefits people to inform them of a change of circumstances and indeed the tax people.
I fell into a pit of despair again earlier when I was trying to cope with all the B.S. and I couldn’t handle it. I barely held on. It scared the shit out of me. I was able to reason just. I very nearly phoned a taxi and went to A&E and begged for them to look after me. I tried one friend who I know spends a fair bit of time with their Facebook window open and already knew lots about the situation and talking to them saved my life – and I’m not kidding.
When I muddled back up to sensible I started taking action. Finished cancelling my direct debits that aren’t essential and similar. Need to ensure I cancel my comics tomorrow – they are a luxury item after all :D But it’s a sacrifice that will be worth it.
As I hit the levelling boundary my best mate text me back – she’d actually been out and enjoying herself so hadn’t seen my text lol – bet she felt guilty but relieved I was okay. Always wants to look after and out for me that girl but that’s what best friends are for and she is the best girl in the world. Chatting to her via text always helps the lingering bah go away. It refocuses the mind to something else rather than what ifs or but this could have happeneds. She visits for a long weekend tomorrow and I am excited about that.
I was worrying about being in a dark place when she visited but hell if I need to go to A&E then I know she’ll pop the postcode in the satnav and say cool I love visiting hospitals and off we’ll go. Whilst she is here I know that I will have to handle a few things around this but I also know that she’ll be waiting to take me somewhere fun or prod me and say “eat something, now” and many other little things that make me love her.
Sorry my blog is supposed to be about my suicidal urges rather than my love for my best girl but what the hell – it’s her on my mind right now and a smile on my face.
Turn and face the strange
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Turn and face the strange
Where’s your shame?
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinatin’
Ah, changes are takin’
The pace I’m goin’ through