No reason, no justification.

I could ask why and sound like a petulant child complaining about not getting their sweeties – but I’m led to believe I’m an adult, at least some of the time.  Yesterday was joyous I was pretty fantastic.  Insomnia kicked off last night so I ended up with broken sleep and only about 4 hours of it.  This has not only affected my mood but also my physical condition.  I have 2 health conditions where low mood and lack of sleep trigger pain.

I know it’s a circle sometimes: Little sleep/no sleep = low mood/pain = low mood/pain = little sleep/no sleep.

I’ve dosed myself up on pain killers but find it necessary today to lock myself away from people.  I’m actually feeling rage beneath the surface I could quite happily verbally rip somebodies face off.  I hate feeling like that.  I feel so sensitive and low that I can’t seem to hide it as well as I normally do.  I can be happy around people fairly easily at least in the short term.  I’m just the fun loving person I’ve always been.  Today I don’t want people I don’t want to be online.  I come on here in order to record my thoughts but I don’t have any chat windows open and my Facebook page is not in a tab.

Apart from the depression and lack of sleep there is little justification for how low I feel, there is no reason why I feel so dead within myself why I don’t want to step out of this room in case someone happens to be around when I know they are not. It’s silly – in many ways being out there would brighten my day but I can’t face it.  I can’t face people, hell I can barely face myself.

I’m avoiding any triggers, people suggesting I just need to cheer up or similar or those happy clappy websites that normally I’m fond of but right now would learn how to hack a website just to make sure they knew I said piss off.  Bizarre state of mind to be in that I’d go to such lengths to be hostile and grrr when I can’t find enough energy to force my face muscles to create a smile.

Anyone with depression knows there are peaks and troughs.  I’m just in a bit of a trough, tomorrow may be a peak.  Got to keep on, got to think ahead to the next good day and remember the good days I’ve had.

Love to you and thanks for reading.

R.M. xx

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