I could ask why and sound like a petulant child complaining about not getting their sweeties – but I’m led to believe I’m an adult, at least some of the time. Yesterday was joyous I was pretty fantastic. Insomnia kicked off last night so I ended up with broken sleep and only about 4 hours of it. This has not only affected my mood but also my physical condition. I have 2 health conditions where low mood and lack of sleep trigger pain.
I know it’s a circle sometimes: Little sleep/no sleep = low mood/pain = low mood/pain = little sleep/no sleep.
I’ve dosed myself up on pain killers but find it necessary today to lock myself away from people. I’m actually feeling rage beneath the surface I could quite happily verbally rip somebodies face off. I hate feeling like that. I feel so sensitive and low that I can’t seem to hide it as well as I normally do. I can be happy around people fairly easily at least in the short term. I’m just the fun loving person I’ve always been. Today I don’t want people I don’t want to be online. I come on here in order to record my thoughts but I don’t have any chat windows open and my Facebook page is not in a tab.
Apart from the depression and lack of sleep there is little justification for how low I feel, there is no reason why I feel so dead within myself why I don’t want to step out of this room in case someone happens to be around when I know they are not. It’s silly – in many ways being out there would brighten my day but I can’t face it. I can’t face people, hell I can barely face myself.
I’m avoiding any triggers, people suggesting I just need to cheer up or similar or those happy clappy websites that normally I’m fond of but right now would learn how to hack a website just to make sure they knew I said piss off. Bizarre state of mind to be in that I’d go to such lengths to be hostile and grrr when I can’t find enough energy to force my face muscles to create a smile.
Anyone with depression knows there are peaks and troughs. I’m just in a bit of a trough, tomorrow may be a peak. Got to keep on, got to think ahead to the next good day and remember the good days I’ve had.
Love to you and thanks for reading.